BOTW, But Zelda Isn't Young At The End
by Running Ninja
Summary: I spent basically all of BOTW thinking "Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we rescue Zelda and then she's like actually 117 years old. What if this whole time we are rescuing a grandma and not someone you could actually ship Link with?" And then I wrote a crackfic about it. Enjoy.
1. A Wrinkled Ending

**BOTW, But Zelda Isn't Young at the End**

 **Author Note:** **6/28/18** I edited this fic and added some comedic lines and made a few superficial changes, especially to the first two chapters. I also fixed some of the concerns people had in reviews! Thanks so much for all the feedback!

 **Chapter One: A Wrinkled Ending**

Link's eyes froze open. Then he blinked. Nope, didn't work. It was still there.

An old woman with blue eyes and a stained white dress stood before him. Holy Mother of the Triforce… this was… what he'd been fighting for?

"Link, the Hero of Hyrule," she said, smiling. The skin around her eyes was crinkled, and there were deep creases in the corners of her mouth. A little too much of her face resembled wrapping paper. Her hair was fine, white, and thin and blew in the wind about her face. Her dress was dirty and didn't fit her anymore. It was too loose, especially around her…chest. Her wrinkled hands were folded in front of her, joints knobby and blue veins visible on their surface. He gulped.

"Do you really remember me?" she asked. Her voice croaked.

 _Not like that_ , he thought. He almost dropped the master sword in shock, but it was not a droppable item. He sheathed it instead, nerves knotting in his stomach.

Zelda was _old_. And she looked it. A kind of strength emanated from her, but goddesses, she had aged. She still had the power of the Triforce in her, but she was, well, ancient. Sort of like the magic that flowed through her.

He winced. That look she was giving him, her eyes longing with a gaze that spent too much time scanning him up and down… He was pretty sure that she didn't know she was old.

 _Wait,_ _Should I tell her?_ He swallowed hard. Maybe… maybe he had better not. Ignorance was bliss, after all… right? It didn't matter that a moblin with a rock dropped on your head from behind could still kill you, right? _I should tell her,_ he thought, dread filling him. He opened his mouth a little, then closed it again, like a fish. His mouth went dry, and his voice failed him. _So I guess I'm not telling her,_ he thought. Then relief filled him.

Zelda kept giving him the kind of look a 17-year-old boy did not want to receive from a 117 year old woman. Though, to be fair, they were _technically_ the same age. He just didn't look—or feel—like a centenarian. Her gaze was creeping him out. She could have been his great-great-great grandmother, or some strange, long-forgotten and rather ancient aunt that came calling at family gatherings and you were too respectful of your elders to ask how the heck you were related, so you just let her trundle the wrong way through the food buffet.

Zelda wasn't an ugly old lady, and she was still regal, but still… Link curdled slightly at the sight of her. Something was wrong about this. _Maybe something is wrong with me,_ Link thought. _Was past me this terrified of elderly women? Didn't I have a grandmother? Wasn't I raised by one in a previous game?_

Link rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"You do remember," Zelda croaked.

Link's eyes shot open. _Oh, goddesses,_ he thought. _Yeah, yeah, I remember all the subtext from the last five cutscenes. But, please don't say it, not like this._

"Link, thank you," Zelda said.

Link meant to sigh in relief, but a strange, nervous, squeaky groan came out of him instead.

Not knowing what else to do, he called for his horse. The Royal Stallion came trotting up. Link led him forward to Zelda, still embarrassed, and blushing. She stood there still watching him. He had never hated eye contact more. She was a little shorter from before, slightly hunched. Link helped her up onto the horse. He heard at least two bones crick as she climbed into the saddle. He then led the Royal Stallion towards the nearest stable, where he was going to get another horse for himself and then they would ride together. _Just act natural. Right. I have a plan_ … _no I don't._

The only thing he could think was to take Zelda to the only other elderly woman he knew. Maybe they could… bond? He didn't know.

But he had to put his hope in something. He had to turn around and duck or press RZ to put up Daruk's Protection before the moblin dropped the rock on him and they both died.

* * *

They stopped at Wetland Stable and Link chose his next-best horse (who had better stats than the royal stallion, if we were being honest), and they began to head toward the Wetlands. Zelda noticed his pressing silence. She knew it was characteristic of him, but it still made her a little irked. 100 years apart, and not so much as a "hello?"

"So, off to Zora's Domain then, to see Mipha's father?" Zelda asked.

Link got unto his horse and rode south, toward Kakariko but away from Lanayru, swallowing hard and grimacing.

"Will we be stopping to see Mipha's Father?" Zelda asked again.

Nothing.

"Impa, then?"

Zelda grew nervous. And all this riding sure was making her bones ache…how much farther were they going to go? And what in the devil had gotten into her appointed knight? Had he gone half-blind in battle? Why was he squinting?


	2. When Push Comes to Shove

Author note: I literally graduated college today, and I should definitely be packing. But this was done several days ago and I am impatient and really love getting reviews, so I am posting this evening. I hope you enjoy! Thank a big thank you to everyone who left reviews! I tried to take your critiques into account, I found them very helpful! I hope you like the result!

 **Chapter Two: When Push Comes to Shove, Never Topple an Old Woman**

In a word, this journey was cringey. Both for Link as he second-guessed not telling Zelda—not that he was going to change his mind and tell her, oh gods no—and for Zelda, who clutched her body and literally cringed as every step of the horse hurt her legs and hips.

 _Ganon,_ she thought, but she put a nice expletive before the name. _Fighting for 100 years must have drained me._

Link heard Zelda panting and groaning as they skirted the Wetlands and headed up the hills to Kakariko. Link looked back at her, wincing in the saddle, out of breath, and elderly. He wondered how she hadn't noticed her age yet… it seemed painfully obvious.

"So, are we off to see Impa?" Zelda asked, grimacing.

Link winced at the sound of her croaking voice. He really couldn't avoid talking for much longer.

"Link?"

He bit his lip.

"Link, look at me." She sounded like a grandmother about to scold a child.

Link pulled up his horse and looked at her, practically shrinking under her aged sight.

"Link, is something wrong?" Zelda's voice creaked as she said the words.

Link shrank in the saddle but did not respond or turn around.

Zelda watched his back, puzzled. He sure was an odd boy, she thought. He would have to learn better someday.

As they rode a little farther, Link noticed that Zelda had stopped her horse. He turned around towards her. "I'm just going to rest a bit. You go on ahead," she said.

Link quickly rode up to her. Kakariko village was only a quarter mile away. He looked her in the eye. She stared back. He had the darnedest blue eyes, Zelda thought. So deep, so true to their color.

Link reached out and put his hand on Zelda's. Then he gestured towards Kakariko. _It's so close_ , he thought. He wanted to tell her, but he still couldn't bring himself to speak. At all. Triforce of silence, and all that. Oh wait, no, courage, my bad.

"Alright," Zelda said. "Just a little bit farther?"

Link nodded. They rode on, at an easy pace. Easy for Link, at least. It was still agonizing for Zelda. Soon enough, they were riding underneath the Kakariko Village sign. Night fell. Impa would be asleep for the night.

Link helped Zelda to the inn and then let her go to bed. He checked the inn carefully for mirrors, and found none. He exhaled a sigh of relief and went to his own bed. Zelda really should have figured out she had aged by now. Hadn't she seen her own veiny hands at some point? But, then again, maybe she did know. His eyes shot wide open at the thought. _Maybe she knows but doesn't care_ , he thought. That was horrifying. Maybe it was selfish, but he was just a little desperate to see Zelda again in her normal state. They had come such a long way… they deserved to have each other to lean on. And not as great-grandmother and great-grandknight-in-waiting.

The sun rose, the pink dawn beautifully animated above the village. It really was a work of art, the landscape and sunsets and sunrises in this Hyrule. It was almost like the animation was in a game that won game of the year or something.

Zelda woke early, as old people tend to do. Thankfully, Link was a soldier, and also just before dawn. He put on his boots and Zelda got dressed. Her bones still ached. She looked at him.

"Link," she croaked, "Is there something you aren't telling me?"

Link froze, eyes wide. He tried to avoid her seeing his expression, as if she could read his thoughts.

"Link…" Zelda's voice peaked.

He met her eyes, then looked away again.

She watched him. He could see in her face that he needed to be saying something right now. He could really see it. He just couldn't speak it.

She continued to glare, serious.

Link gulped.

She blinked once, holding the stare.

After a pause, Link swallowed again.

After a longer pause, Zelda blinked once more.

Again, Link swallowed.

Zelda blinked.

He stared back, eyes wide.

She shifted her arms, eyes narrow. She leaned forward.

He looked down and away, then at his hands, then up at her.

She hadn't moved.

He shifted his eyes, looked away again. Hers stayed steady. He cleared his throat. Zelda thrilled, thinking for a moment that he would talk. But when he didn't, she grew mad. She squinted. He blinked. She glared. He gulped. She narrowed her eyes. He wanted to disappear into the woodwork. She wanted to hit him in the face.

She wanted to listen to him. And she was listening. But the only thing she could hear was him breathing short little nervous breaths from where he sat at the edge of his bed.

He noticed her listening and held his breath.

Five seconds passed. Ten. Eleven. Fifteen. Twenty.

He gave up and breathed again. He turned to the side, away from her. Then he gave her one last glance before looking away again.

She blinked once more, slow and deliberate. She couldn't believe this.

He had to admit, he was dying to say something. But he wasn't going to. As great as the pressure was to speak, that pressure was from the outside, and his own pressure to be quiet was much stronger.

He swallowed again. She put her head in her hands, squinted at him. She had forgotten how to be good at this whole making-Link-talk thing. He had forgotten his whole life. So they were even.

Link began to sweat. Zelda fumed.

He coughed, perhaps to clear his throat.

One beat. Two beats. Another beat. One more.

"Okay, FINE! Don't speak!" Zelda yelled. Link flinched.

 _Goddesses,_ he thought _,_ _she sure is loud._

Zelda huffed and finished getting ready for the day. Link's relief was mixed with concern for his princess. Concern he could fix if his penchant for courage applied to this specific scenario with Zelda. Saving her, yes. Talking with her? Apparently not.

He watched her get ready. When she fixed her hair (without a mirror) the answer to her questions was quite literally in front of her face as her wrinkled hands worked her hairs into braids. But she didn't see it.

Link looked at his own hands. He noticed about twenty new scars. Huh. Maybe it was hard to notice new things about your own hands, to see what was right in front of your face.

Nah. That wasn't really a good enough explanation.

* * *

After breakfast they went to see Impa. Link held Zelda's arm as she walked up the long stairs. Her aged physique made him nervous for a few reasons: one, she could fall and break something as grandmothers tended to do, and two, he desperately wanted her to be young. Her age felt… creepy. He would rather avoid thinking about why.

They reached the top of the stairs, and Zelda paused to catch her breath.

They were near the door to Impa's room. Zelda leaned on the railing, breathing deeply, and Link slipped from under her arm and strode toward the door. He took one deep breath in, gathering the courage that was supposed to come naturally to him, and then he stepped forward strongly and swung both doors open. It was a little epic, and not completely undeserved. Impa looked up at him. She seemed proud. "So, Hero of the Wild," she said, her voice creaking, "I see you are victorious? Now tell me, where is the princess?"

Link cringed. He turned and helped Zelda walk into the room. Impa's eyes grew wide.

"…Impa?" Zelda croaked, a smile growing on her face.

Impa froze. She looked the princess up and down. Then she broke out laughing.

And kept laughing. Link gulped hard and Zelda looked at him, confused.

"100 years with Ganon, huh? Zelda, I always thought you would make it out in the same state you went in. How silly of me. Your soul may be tied to the Hero of Time, but you certainly aren't timeless." She chuckled.

"Impa, whatever do you mean?"

"Zelda," Impa said, "has no one shown you a mirror?"

Zelda turned to Link, eyes wide. Link winced. He was guilty. No excuse now. Not that there ever had been.

"Paya," Impa said, "Go fetch the mirror from upstairs."

Link's heart dropped. Now was the moment. The moment he had been avoiding. Could he run? No, that would be cowardly. Even for him. Triforce of courage and all that.

Paya hesitantly crept up the stairs and back down with the mirror, quivering. Equally nervous about the princess's reaction, she held the mirror at arm's length before Zelda, shaking.

Zelda caught sight of her reflection. She clutched at her face. She looked at her hands—how had she not noticed?!—and her breath stopped in her throat. Two beats of silence passed.

And then she screamed.


	3. Please Send Help

Author note: I am literally roadtripping across the US right now (post-grad life is great :) but the last chapter ended on a cliff hanger so like, I have time to update, right? I hope you guys enjoy! And, as always, a big thanks to all my reviewers and followers, you guys are the best

 **Chapter Three: Please Send Help**

"I'M OLD!" Zelda shrieked. "Link, I'm old! More than old, I'm ancient! I look—I look like I should be a ghost! Oh, how ugly!" She held her face and let out a noise like a bokoblin dying.

Nervous to touch her other than to hold her arm to help her stand, Link nervously held her arm with his left hand and then moved his right arm unto her shoulder in a gesture of support. He felt kind of like he was poking a mausoleum, though he didn't really know why.

"Link," Zelda said, turning to face him, tears in the corners of her crow's feet. "Link, can you still love me?" she said, her voice catching.

For a moment, all of Link's fears (and there were many regarding this moment) were gone. Without hesitating, he swept her up in a giant hug. She sobbed in his arms. He would have clutched her tighter, but he was afraid he might hurt her, especially if she had osteoporosis or something.

Link looked over Zelda's shoulder at Impa. Impa laughed. "What a turn of fate!" she chuckled. Paya looked distraught, and hid her face behind the mirror.

Link kept holding Zelda. They _had_ to figure something out. Also, he kind of wanted to throttle Impa for laughing. And himself for not telling her and letting her find out like this. He held himself back from assaulting Impa. He knew that he needed to respect his elders. And not just his elderly Zelda, whom he had not done a particularly good job of respecting so far.

Zelda pulled away to look Link in the eye. "Link, why didn't you tell me?"

Link took her hand, placed it over her heart, and then placed it over his own heart. Zelda's face softened and she sniffled. "Thank you," she said.

Honestly, the whole hand-heart thing was very vague, and Link had no idea what it meant. He just wanted out of this situation. A real man would have said something. But when it came to women, Link was more cucco than hero.

Impa was still chuckling. "So," she croaked, in a voice that honestly sounded like a young person voice-acting to be old, "I will leave you two to your consolation hugs."

Link shot Impa a death glare. He felt a strange, fiery urge to prosecute her for obstructing justice—again. He wasn't entirely sure what the first time was, but he vaguely remembered being furious with her before, so there must have been a previous time. Maybe it was on an old save file or something.

Link helped Zelda outside onto the balcony and she sank down on a bench overlooking Kakariko. Link sat next to her. "Oh, what have I done?" she said. "I never thought this would happen. Any of this. Ganon, growing old, missing you. Why, Link? It's all my fault." She cried and placed her head on his chest.

Link brought her into his arms and held her. It was strangely reminiscent of a certain trailer-worthy cutscene 100 years ago, in the rain and mud outside of Hyrule Castle when the Calamity first struck. Except the weather was nicer. And they had won. And they were sitting on a bench. And Zelda was a centenarian. Actually, the scene was fundamentally different in composition and had very few similarities.

"I guess it is strange, to think I wouldn't age… There's no reason I would be suspended in time. You were slumbering the shrine of resurrection, so you woke up still young because your whole body was rejuvenated. But… why did it take 100 years to resurrect you? That's some serious loading time. …Curse this Sheikah magic!"

 _Yes,_ Link thought, _curse this—wait._

That was it—Sheikah magic.

Link had an idea.

… _Hateno here we come,_ he thought. And then he smiled.


	4. Hateno Here We Come

Author note: I'm still on the road. It's lovely. Sometimes there are glorious stretches of wide-open sky with no wifi or data. It's quite nice. This is not one of those times. If you never hear from me again, it's probably because I decided to navigate by the stars in a fit of fantasy and wound up lost.

 **Chapter Four:** **Hateno Here We Come**

With a kiss on the head, Link left Zelda on the bench, sniffling. He strode back into Impa's room, and gave her a long, hard glare.

She returned it with a smirk.

He then turned to Paya.

Paya gulped. She knew she was in trouble.

Link pointed at Zelda, who was just visible from inside. Then, he pointed past the exit of Kakariko.

"Master Link, I am sorry, I do not understand—"

More emphatically, Link pointed again.

"…y-you need a carriage out of Kakariko?"

Link nodded once, cold.

"Y-yes Master Link, I will be sure to find you one…!"

She scurried off.

It was rather strange that Paya had gathered all that from one glare, but we will completely brush past that. Link gave Impa another hateful glance and went to sit outside with Zelda again.

* * *

After much stuttering and nervous asking around, Paya eventually tracked down a sort of makeshift, no-frills, one-horse carriage that was in working order. And so Zelda's old bones were spared the agony of another horseback ride, but not the torture of a rickety carriage.

"Thank you so much, Link," Zelda said when she saw the carriage. "I do believe I used to love riding horseback, but these days…these days I can't stand it."

She muttered something about growing old, despite the fact she had never been conscious of the fact she was aging until her rude awakening in front of Impa. Then she slowly climbed into the carriage with Link's help.

Everything set to go, Link took a deep breath and climbed in the driver's seat and stared at the reins. Come to think of it, he had no Hyrulean idea how to drive a carriage, and neither did his horse know how to pull one. But it couldn't be all that complicated…right?

He shrugged. So, with enthusiasm and a lack of caution characteristic of our hero, he whipped the reins and yelled "Hyah!" The royal stallion leapt into a gallop. The cart lurched, and then preceded to jostle, jump, and bounce over every rock in Kakariko. "Whoa!" Link yelled, but his horse didn't hear him. "WHOA!" Still nothing.

* * *

Zelda clutched the inside of the carriage. What in tarnation? And had Link just… spoken? Was that a word?

She had to stop and ponder whether "hyah" and "whoa" were in fact words. She wasn't sure. But she knew one thing: mute people didn't yell non-words. So, Link wasn't mute. Okay. So why wasn't he talking to her? Was she really that ugly as an old person? Oh dear… She clutched the sides of the carriage, her worry growing. She just wanted to talk to her old friend… she held her face in her hands. Her crinkled face in her wrinkled hands. They felt dry and old. She started to cry.


	5. Runed Plans

**Chapter Five: Runed Plans**

It took two days to get to Hateno. They rested in the evenings. Once they arrived and meandered all the way up the hill to the tech lab, Link helped Zelda step down geriatric-ally out of the carriage. Symin caught sight of them and gasped and went to fetch Purah.

"Purah," he said, "Link has brought an elderly woman. She looks…familiar, but also like she wasn't old the last time we saw her."

"…Zelda?" Purah's head snapped up. "So she aged?" Purah rushed in her six-year-old body to the door and saw Zelda. "Wow," she said. "That is an old geezer. I mean, her majesty. Hello, Link, and your majesty!" She waved enthusiastically.

"Hello," Zelda said, wincing as Link helped her walk. "I beg your pardon, Purah, but traveling for so long has really worn out my bones. Everything hurts these days, I am sure you can relate. Link brought me here, I'm not really sure why—what in tarnation… Purah, is that YOU?"

"Yes, your majesty. It is me."

"But you are a child!"

"I beg your pardon, I am every bit as old as I was before, I simply _look_ younger."

"So you…un-aged? How?" Zelda paused, thinking. Then she brightened. "Link! Maybe she can help us!"

Link nodded slowly, glad that Zelda was now catching on.

"You see, your majesty, I accidentally made this rune and—"

"Can you do it to me?"

"I… I beg your pardon, your highness?"

"Can you un-age me? Maybe me young again?"

"Perhaps… it will take some adjustments, but I have been thinking on it. If I tweak the rune, it should reverse aging only a little bit, not as dramatically as it did with me. You should be a seventeen-year old again."

"Yes! Please! Purah, you must help me!"

"Alright, princess, alright, I will. But you should know that growing old isn't the end of the world. We all do it someday!"

"I know, Purah, I know. But…" she trailed off, looking at Link. "It's not that I'm old now, it's that I never got to be young. Well, to stay young for as long as most people do." She smiled at Link. He awkwardly nodded in response.

"Ah, I see. Symin, won't you serve our guests some tea? I am going to tweak the rune and see if I can't get it prepared for this afternoon."

"Thank you, Purah, this is very kind."

Symin cleared experiment notes and sketches off of a table for them and served them tea. He sat with them, making very poor conversation with the princess while Purah toiled away in the background, hammering and cursing. Symin kept trying to include Link in the conversation, but Link never said anything, so it was all very strange.

"So, was the castle infested with Moblins or bokoblins?"

Link replied with a nuanced and vague nod that had no actual linguistic meaning or inference.

"Wow. That is fascinating. So, I see you found the Hylian shield! Such a wonder of engineering. I used to make armor, once."

Link responded with a nuanced eyebrow raise that was as vague as his nod but that encouraged Symin even more, somehow.

"Wow. Fascinating. A Stalnox? A test of courage? Well, it is an impressive shield. Did you know that, princess?"

"No, I had no idea, but I surmised as much," she said, sipping tea and attempting to share a knowing look with Link. Link did not share the look and responded with a confusing nod, his eyes squinted. Confused, Zelda said nothing and pondered her tea. A Sheikah brew. Well, most likely. It was never quite established whether or not the Sheikah drank tea. Symin launched into conversation again, and Zelda wondered if he had some sort of cypher that enabled him to understand Link's strange nonverbal cues. Typical NPC.

After a few more hours of painful conversation, Purah finally finished working.

"Ah-hah!" she cried, holding the rune aloft. "I have done it! An age reversing rune for the ages!" Strangely enough, a dramatic electric guitar cord sounded from nowhere for precisely this moment. It was reminiscent of Robbie's background music for when he said his own name, which was also unexplained and rather absurd, just as this moment was.

Zelda and Link watched, a little confused. Symin was very used to this, and completely unfazed. He possibly even knew where the music was coming from.

"Alright, princess, if you are ready, you can step right here unto the platform and I will load the rune," Purah said.

Zelda looked at Link nervously before walking to the platform with his assistance. He just wanted her to be the same again. He barely recognized the face that she looked at him with. And he had lost so much… they both had. He felt selfish for longing for it, but he just wanted to have Zelda back.

Zelda stepped unto the platform, wrinkled and a little hunched over from age and days of travel. Link stepped back. Zelda squeezed her wrinkly eyes shut.

"Ready?" Purah asked.

"Ready," Zelda whispered.

Purah flipped a switch and the rune whirred to life. Light engulfed Zelda. Link gripped the edge of the table. They watched as her form morphed in the light.

Purah squinted. Something was wrong.

The light and the whirring stopped, and Link's eyes were wide, his jaw nearly on the floor.

"Oh no," Symin said.

"Mother of-HOW?" Purah cried.

 **Author's note:** New update coming soon! Sorry this one was a tad late. I was still traveling. We reached the coast! And then we went home again. :) Fun road trip thought I had: cell coverage and data can get pretty spotty sometimes, so I always travel with a paper map of the state, but I have to collect them as I go. They work great in lieu of a Skeikah slate, tbh. Also, they tell you the names of the mountains, and you that's worth everything. But, after "fighting" your way to a state border, braving grimy rest stops and cringe-worthy gas prices, the nearest visitor's center tends to have free state maps for you to take. There was something about crossing into a new state and being gifted a map and then surveying the landscape that reminded me of climbing the towers in BOTW. Exhilarating. Which way next? Oh look, hot springs! Let's go there! :)

The US is a country worth traveling across, even the states with "nothing" in them. (Also, we totally have hot springs. Who knew?) And if anyone requests a different crack fic where Link and Zelda take a roadtrip, I might just write it. See you soon! Ninja out.


	6. Oops

**Chapter Six: Oops**

"I'M A CHILD!" Zelda screeched. Her voice was young, shrill, and ready for elementary school enrollment. Geriatric to pediatric in one day. Wow.

Link gulped.

"It appears I made the wrong adjustments. Hmmm," Purah said.

"Wrong adjustments! I am five years old! How dare you—" Was that the princess of Hyrule speaking, or a chipmunk?

Zelda wanted to be mad, but instead of yelling angrily—or rather, squeaking—she began to cry like, well, like a child. She slumped down and threw her head back and sobbed and hiccupped and hugged her knees and rocked and made young little whining cry noises. "Why, Link, why?" She sniffled.

Link sat next to her and hugged her. She was tiny, and he could reach his own elbows while holding her. She cried snotty, 5-year-old tears into his Champion's tunic. He kissed her on the top of her head and hushed her quietly.

"It wasn't supposed to reverse age so quickly," Purah said. "For me it took days to age back to childhood, but with Zelda, it took a matter of minutes."

"Why…why, Link?" Zelda continued to cry.

Our hero said nothing. Typical.

Purah continued to bicker with herself, occasionally including Symin in the conversation.

"It must have been the (insert Sheikah technology nonsense here)… No, no, that's not right. It must have been the (insert more tech lingo here). No, perhaps the (is this a lazy writing technique)? Yes, but that should have been cancelled out by the (author gives no cares). Ah, (profanity) it all! Symin can you bring me that wrench? No the other one! On your right! Your _other_ right! …Blazes! This will never work."

Zelda, still an inconsolable pile of tears, now softly cried for her father King Rhoam. "Daddy, please, come home…" Link squeezed her tight.

It grew dim out. Link looked out the window just in time to see the shadows change as the sun set.

Zelda was exhausted from the travel, and now even more exhausted since her body had been changed so much. So there, on the floor, after several minutes of tears in Link's lap, she fell asleep.

"The guest room is upstairs," Symin said. "It has two beds. I will show you."

So Link carried little child Zelda up the stairs, following Symin to the room.

He tucked Zelda into bed. Her face was calm now, and completely wrinkle-free, looking younger than he'd ever known. She'd had to grow up so fast as a princess after her mother died. He'd met her after all that happened. She deserved a good childhood, he thought. Maybe this could be part of a new one. As he tucked the blankets around her she mumbled to him. "Goodnight, Daddy."

Link sunk to his knees at the side of her bed. He hung his head. First he must be grandson, now he must be father? So dramatic.

He looked down at his hands worn and scarred by battle. They looked nothing like a child's. Zelda's hands were so small... Goddesses, he hated this. He just wanted to be the same size and age as Zelda. He closed his eyes. If only he could be as young as her…

Link's eyes snapped open. He had an idea. A very, very terrible idea. But also a great idea. He kissed Zelda on the head and snuck downstairs.


	7. How Do You Like Them Apples?

**Chapter Seven: How do you like them apples?**

There was whirring, a flash of light, and then the pitter-patter of little feet ascending the stairs. A little six year old boy snuck up to Zelda's bed and shook her excitedly.

Zelda turned to him groggily. "Link?" she said, waking. He was beaming from pointed ear to pointed ear. "Link!" she cried. "You're young like me!"

Link giggled. Then he smooched Zelda on the lips and turned bright red.

"Eww!" Zelda said. "Boys have cooties!"

Link snickered.

"Eww! You _kissed_ me!"

Link hugged her and they held each other, giggling, united in age at last. Then he climbed under the covers next to her and they fell asleep, snuggled together in one bed, like little children. Well, as little children. They fit in together very easily, their little arms wrapped around each other, snoring adorable little high-pitched snores until dawn came.

* * *

Purah headed downstairs, stopping to wake Zelda and Link for breakfast. She froze when she saw the hero's bed empty… but two little blonde heads of hair on the same pillow on the other bed.

"Link…" she said.

The two bodies shifted and Zelda groaned. "It's too early…" she squeaked from under the blanket.

"Link…" Purah practically growled his name.

"What is it, Purah?" Zelda grumbled, raising her head from the pillow.

"Is that…is that Link?"

"Mmmhm," Zelda said, yawning.

Link lifted his head up. His five year old head.

Anime-esque steam seemed to fume from Purah's ears and she stormed out of the room. At the bottom of the stairs, she screamed out in anger and the children heard her kick something and then cuss in her high-pitched voice. Link and Zelda looked at each other, eyes wide. A dish fell, crashing to the ground. Link slid out of bed to investigate, and Zelda cautiously followed him downstairs. Purah saw them.

"SIT. NOW."

They each sat on a chair, quaking. Their feet didn't touch the floor.

"How dare you play with Sheikah magic like that! Link, I don't care if you are the chosen hero, you cannot fool around in my lab! What were you thinking! Why would you do a thing like that!" Squeak, squeaker, squeak-squeak.

Link turned a little red and tried to hide a smile.

"So, no words from our 'hero' about why he did this," Purah said.

"He never says _anything_ ," Zelda said.

"Really? He spoke to me just the other month, on his adventure to save you."

Zelda looked at Link, hurt.

He cringed, guilty. But he still didn't say anything. So much for a complete character arc.

"Well, anyway, if you want us to stop being young then make an age-restoring rune!" Zelda squeaked.

"Contrary to all that you think, it does NOT work that way!"

"Why? Can't you just invent it?"

Purah let out one, long, very frustrated scream. "HYLIANS!" she cried, "HYLIANS! Why do you always think the world bends to your will just because you are Hylia's children?! Typical, entitled ruling race! Hylian privilege showing its face! Pah. Now go chase frogs or collect twigs or do something childish—without breakfast—and I, the Sheikah, will squint at things until I find an answer. Now, OUT!" she boomed, as much as a six year old can boom.

Link and Zelda scuttled out of the room, fleeing like children because, well, they were children. They went and played outside in the dirt. It actually turned out to be the most fun either of them had had in over a hundred years. Zelda got dirt all over her dress and Link got his clothes soaking wet catching frogs. He chased her with bugs and frogs and things and she screamed and pretended to be afraid but then they would sit and watch the critters, and Zelda would rattle on and on about facts about insects and reptiles and amphibians and Link would happily sit and listen and just tickle her when she prattled on a little too long. They played a children's game called "Get Ganon"—Link was rather good at it—sang Hylian children's rhymes, and raced each other to see who could climb trees faster. They threw apples down the hill and cheered as if the apples were racing each other. Their laughter and squeals filtered in through the windows of the Hateno Ancient Tech Lab. Purah seemed not to hear, or if she did, it only made her madder.

Symin watched the two of them from inside. "Purah," he said, "You are a genius! You have reunited them in the same age at last!"

Purah shook her head. "Useless Symin," she said, "What use are they to Hyrule if they are children? How are they supposed to restore the kingdom if they are just going to play games all day?"

"They seem happy," Symin said. "It might be better to leave them this way."

"Well," Purah said, "I am going to try and fix this. There is nothing Purah cannot do! Well, that's not true. Not at all. There are many, many things I cannot do. Possibly this is one of them."

LINE BREAK

Outside, to the two little protagonists, nothing really mattered except whose apple could roll faster down the hill.

"Go apple, go!" Zelda cried.

Link just let out a series of grunts and yells.

Watching them, Symin couldn't help but think. "Purah?" he asked.

"What?"

"Do you think the kids would like macaroni and cheese for lunch?"

"…What?"

"I mean isn't that what Hylian children eat these days?"

"I've never heard of it. And I think they would prefer something from 100 years ago."

"Ah. I see. So maybe mac and 100-year aged brie, then?"

Purah paused. She stared at Symin. "Alright," she said, "I guess I'll give you a simple enough task. I make a rune to fix this and you will be the perfect stay at home dad. Cook food, wash clothes, read stories. Give these kids the care they've earned. Though I am still very mad at Link. To think! What was he doing?!"

"He was thinking of what he wanted for once. And how it was also probably what Zelda wanted."

"Fine, Symin, fine. Just do what I said, and be competent about it this time. And I don't think brie goes with noodles."

"Anything you say, Purah."

"And maybe add some Divine-Beast-shaped cucco nuggets. Kids always love those. Oh, and vegetables are gross. Don't include any."

Outside, Link and Zelda couldn't have been happier, even if Zelda did think that Link had cooties. They could look forward to growing up together, as children, just as they had millennia ago on a city in the sky, back when it was one of their first times at this whole hero-princess thing. For all intents and purposes, it was both a good ending and a happy beginning.

And, of course, Zelda's apple won the race. In all her wisdom, she had picked a superior apple and it out-paced Link's easily. But he didn't care. We was just happy that she was smiling, and that his hand fit perfectly into hers. Even if he did have cooties. Those went away, right?

He watched her as she cheered after her apple. She turned to him, and they giggled together for a while, and then went quiet. Then Zelda leaned in a popped a quick kiss on his lips. He went white and then blushed, the tips of his ears bright red.

"There," she said. "Now _you_ have cooties!"

They giggled, and up in the tech lab, the smell of mac 'n cheese and fresh-cooked Divine-Beast-shaped cucco nuggets wafted from the kitchen to Purah's work bench. She was still cross, but she couldn't help that her mouth watered. The kid stuff was the best. She squinted at the rune. No luck yet. But maybe if she… nah. That wouldn't work.

Symin hummed as he pulled the cucco nuggets from the oven and stirred the pasta. He'd never had an opportunity to show it before, but he always wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. He smiled as he set out plates for the kids. All three of the kids. And he couldn't quit grinning, especially when Link and Zelda tumbled in, sticks in their hair and mud on their clothes, Link clutching a rhino beetle in his fist and waving it the air. It was going to be a good evening, Symin thought, smiling. Purah grumbled something about mud in her lab, but Symin smiled even wider.

THE END

* * *

Author note:

Good to see Link getting a happily ever after, huh? That's totally not what happens at the end of every single game anyway. :)

Thank you for joining me in my first full fic post college hiatus! I hope you enjoyed the adventure. Did you think the chapters were too fragmented? How was the humor overall? What about the fourth wall breaking and narrative style? Again, you guys are the best, especially namely for all your reviews!

This chapter was late because I was trying to make cover art. Unfortunately all my good art stuff is packed in a box, because I'm moving (another reason this is late). I gave up and used a game screenshot. Maybe next time. :)

Have a great summer, everybody!

Peace,

Ninja


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